Kurt Cobain: Murder or Suicide? - Part 1 - Killer Queens: A True Crime Podcast

On Friday, April 8th, 1994, the body of rockstar Kurt Cobain was found in his Seattle home, dead from an apparent suicide. Along with the death of the Nirvana lead singer and guitarist came a slew of theories about his death. Many people believed that his wife, singer Courtney Love, arranged to have him murdered when he threatened to leave her. What’s followed in the 27 years since Kurt’s death has been growing suspicion of Courtney’s involvement and countless rabbit holes that have left Nirvana fans wondering, what really happened to the king of grunge?

Who was Kurt Cobain?

Kurt Donald Cobain was born on February 20th, 1967 in Aberdeen, Washington at Grays Harbor Community Hospital to Wendy and Donald “Don” Cobain. Aberdeen, about 2 and a half hours south of Seattle, was a logging town. Don and Wendy had met while he was working at a gas station in Aberdeen. Once they were married, Wendy couldn’t wait to get pregnant. Kurt was the first grandchild on both sides, so there were constantly family members visiting.

Kurt was magnetic, with his bright blonde hair and blue eyes. People loved being around him. He was so kind, always worrying about others. He started singing, playing guitar, and drawing as a young child. His Aunt Mary, who gave him his first guitar, recorded him singing often. She said he loved to sing songs by the Beatles. She said he was always the center of attention, and wanted to be able to do things by himself. His creativity was abundant, and Kurt had no problem expressing it. Wendy worried about how energetic her son was. He was full of energy and always busy, jumping off things and knocking things over. She became so concerned that she brought Kurt to a doctor to be evaluated for his hyperactivity.

Wendy said that Don didn’t seem to know how to handle his son. He believed that children should be seen, not heard. Don belittled and ridiculed his son. By the time Kurt was nine-years-old, his parents had gotten a divorce. Wendy said that she just wasn’t happy in her marriage, and that she felt like she hadn’t accomplished anything with her life. Don moved out and Kurt stayed at home with his mother and younger sister Kim.

Divorce wasn’t common in the community, and the Cobains became the topic of gossip in town. Kurt was incredibly embarrassed, and he didn’t know how to express what he was feeling. He started acting out, arguing with his mother and sister. It got to the point where Wendy had to send her son to live with his father. It was another blow to Kurt when his father remarried. Kurt’s new stepmother, Jenny, had two children, as well as the son she was having with Don. Initially, Kurt seemed to be doing well at his father’s house. Jenny said that he looked forward to family game nights, always making sure that they were on the same night each week. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before Kurt started retreating into his room, spending most of his time playing guitar.

Kurt was a sullen teenager, and started being mean to his siblings. Don and Jenny weren’t able to deal with his mood changes and sent Kurt to live with his uncle, then to his grandparents, then back to live with Don. Nobody could handle Kurt for more than a few weeks. He spent some nights under a local bridge and spent nearly a month on a friend’s couch. The friend’s father said that Kurt was polite and helpful, that he eventually worked his way into the family chore rotation. He also said that he didn’t remember ever being in touch with either of Kurt’s parents. Finally, when he was about 15 years old, with no other options, Kurt moved back in with his mother.

In high school, Kurt discovered marijuana. He felt like it was an escape, and prevented him from having routine nervous breakdowns. He began hanging out with a group of boys from school, who stole alcohol from the house of a local girl, who was very overweight and had developmental delays. In his journals, he made references to suicide and feeling like a “loser” for not having had sex. He went back to the home of the neighborhood girl and almost had sex with her, but wasn’t able to follow through. His classmates found out about the encounter and began calling him names and harassing him at school.

Feeling severely depressed, Kurt got drunk and high, went to a nearby train track and laid down on the track with two big pieces of cement on his chest and legs. He waited for the next train to come, but at the last minute, the train veered onto the track beside him. After this brush with death, Kurt made the decision to try and rehabilitate himself. As time went on, he became less depressed but still struggled to make friends. He spent most of his time at school in the smoker’s shed out back, before finally quitting high school with two months left before graduation. Kurt didn’t have enough credits to graduate on time, and couldn’t deal with the feelings of isolation he felt at Aberdeen High School. His sister said that “he was searching for whatever made him feel like he wasn’t alone and that he wasn’t so different.”

Kurt had become extremely drawn to punk rock music. It was an escape for him. Unfortunately, it wasn’t commonly found in the record stores in Aberdeen. A friend made him a few mixed tapes that he wore out, playing them everyday, lip syncing and playing guitar with them. He felt that the music helped express the way he felt socially and politically. At 15, he made his first recording with his Aunt Mary. She had recording equipment in her home and offered to let him use the computer drummer that she had. Kurt said that he didn’t want to use a computer, that he wanted to keep his music pure. Instead, he banged on a suitcase.

Around the age of 18 in 1985, Kurt was working as a janitor. He met Krist Novoselic. Krist remembered noticing quickly how good of an artist Kurt was. He never had idle hands and was constantly creating something. He had notebooks filled with doodles, lyrics, and notes, and spent hours daily playing guitar or writing music. There were many rock and metal bands that had been formed in Aberdeen, most notably the Melvins. Kurt attended many of their shows and practices, and knew that was what he wanted to do.

Nirvana: The Era of Grunge

In December of 1987, Kurt, bass player Krist Novoselic, and drummer Aaron Burckhard formed their own band. The three performed wherever they could, in bars, at parties, and small clubs. They changed their name several times: Pen Cap Chew, Ted Ed Fred, Bliss, Skid Row, and Fecal Matter, before finally landing on Nirvana. Kurt felt that the meaning of nirvana, ultimate freedom and individuality, represented what he wanted to convey with his music. He wanted something that sounded beautiful in contrast to the nasty names of punk bands that were around.

Kurt continued to work as a janitor, living in Olympia, Washington with his girlfriend, Tracy Marander. The two met at a party. Tracy was immediately drawn to him. He was funny, and wasn’t afraid to be silly to make her laugh. Tracy saw Kurt’s talent and his potential. She worked and supported him, even when he began playing music full time. She’d come home from work and find that Kurt had spent the entire day playing guitar, painting a new piece, drawing comic strips, or writing music. He was always creating.

In January of 1988, the group recorded a 10-song demo with Seattle producer Jack Endino. Shortly after, one of the heads of Sub Pop Records heard the demo, and offered to put out the band’s first single, “Love Buzz.” Though it was exciting to hear their song on the radio, Kurt was still extremely vocal that the music was more important than gaining popularity. He wanted to write great songs. Unfortunately, along with the band’s growing popularity came the critics. Kurt, though generally quiet, shy, and optimistic, became enraged at the humiliation he felt from negative reviews.

It was during this time that Kurt began having terrible stomach pains. He was constantly nauseous and would go through periods of unexplained vomiting, as well as coughing up blood. He was evaluated by a number of doctors and had endoscopies performed, but couldn’t be diagnosed with anything. It’s believed that this is what prompted Kurt’s first time using heroin. In a journal entry, Kurt wrote that he used heroin about 10 times from 1987 to 1990. Tracy said that during the time, she had no idea that Kurt had moved onto harder drugs. She said that he used to make fun of heroin junkies in Aberdeen. Kurt wrote about the severity of his stomach pains and how five years of it made him want to die. He and Tracy began to fight often, and he started staying away from home more and more. It wasn’t long before the two went their separate ways.

After the release of Nirvana’s first single, Sub Pop Records requested an EP from the band. Much to their record label’s surprise, the band had a full album ready to go. In June of 1989, Nirvana released their first album, “Bleach.” Kurt’s mother Wendy remembered that just before the release, he stayed overnight at her house. He came downstairs in the morning, in just his underwear and had the master tape for the album. He asked her if he could play it. She told him to put it on the stereo and play it LOUD. She was so impressed by the music, and incredibly proud of her son. Wendy was sure, in that moment, that everything was going to change.

In September of 1990, the final drummer joined Nirvana, Dave Grohl. The group briefly toured England and the United States, gaining more and more popularity. In 1991, Nirvana signed with DGC Records and soon after released the album, “Nevermind.” Within a month, the album was certified gold, and within four months, it was the number one album on the Billboard 200. Nirvana and Kurt Cobain had become household names across the world, and grunge rock began to take over.

Enter Courtney Love

Courtney Love was the lead singer of an alternative rock band, Hole. With shaggy yellow-blonde hair, powdered face, and bright red lipstick, the songstress was immediately drawn to Kurt. She said that she first saw him performing in 1989 and developed a crush on him. The two formally met in January of 1990 at a nightclub in Portland, Seattle. Courtney was 26 years old and Kurt was 23 years old. Nirvana’s fame was continuing to grow and Courtney’s band would release their first album later that year.

Courtney seemed to be from all over. She wasn’t close to her mother and father, and spent some time in a juvenile detention center after stealing a KISS t-shirt from a store. After being released, Courtney began stripping. She moved to Los Angeles and had a brief stint with acting. After realizing that acting wasn’t the path for her, she moved back to Portland, Seattle and began singing and playing with different bands. While still stripping in Minneapolis, she formed the band, Hole, playing gigs wherever she could.

“The first time I saw her onstage she was dressed like a soiled debutante,” said Rosemary Carroll, Courtney’s lawyer, in a Vanity Fair interview in 1992. “Her dress was ripped and she was a mess except for a perfectly pressed huge pink bow on the back of her dress. She was riveting to watch. Courtney had a presence and a power that was fascinating.” In 1991, the band hit their stride in England, where they started to gain more fame. The fans were intrigued by Courtney’s punk, pin-up style and her loud personality. When Hole returned to the United States, their notoriety followed and they began to gain fans across the US.

Though the couple was considered the alternative rock king and queen, their personalities seemed very different. Friends said that Courtney was bossy, loud, and obnoxious. She demanded his attention, which was difficult for him. Kurt was laid-back and shy. People sometimes mistook his shyness for a lack of confidence, which was far from the truth. Kurt was sometimes quiet, but very intentional. He was thoughtful and kind and was entranced by Courtney’s wild demeanor.

On February 24, 1992, the two married in a small ceremony on Waikiki Beach. The couple had a prenup, which has been reported as both of their ideas. Courtney was already pregnant at this time and on August 18,1992, Frances Bean Cobain was born. Her parents chose her godparents as REM’s Michael Stipe and actress Drew Barrymore.

The Shitshow that was Kurt and Courtney

Courtney and Kurt were in love and Nirvana was a worldwide sensation. They released their second album, “Nevermind” in September of 1991, with their hit single “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” The name of the song came from a friend of Kurt’s. One night, after partying, Kurt’s friend spray painted the words on his wall, “Kurt smells like Teen Spirit” in reference to the name of the deodorant that the girl was wearing that Kurt was dating at the time. The song was so popular that it eventually knocked Michael Jackson’s hit “Dangerous” from the charts. The immediate success of the single made Kurt uncomfortable. The whole idea of grunge music was not to have such notoriety. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” brought Nirvana into the main stage of the music industry.

Kurt and Courtney’s relationship was wild. “We got on like a house on fucking fire,” said Courtney in an interview. Along with the passion and stardom though, came the drug use. Prior to their marriage, Courtney had already beaten an addiction to heroin. There are lots of contradicting reports on who got who hooked on heroin within the relationship. Some say that Courtney was using, which prompted Kurt’s addiction, while others say that Kurt’s drug use pulled Courntey back under. Either way, the two’s drug use was out of control.

Friends and those who were close to the couple became increasingly concerned about the couple’s heroin abuse. There were stories that Courtney told of the two dressing up in disguise, going down to Alphabet City in New York, buying drugs, then heading back to SNL for Nirvana to perform. Courtney’s pregnancy reportedly didn’t have any effect on her heroin use. Friends tried interventions and keeping the couple clean, but unfortunately, just after Francis Bean’s birth, she was removed from Courtney and Kurt’s home based on information in media reports of an unsafe living environment. The case was eventually dropped, and she was returned home to her parents.

Courtney said that Kurt had a fantasy of making 3 million dollars, then just being a junkie. Despite his addiction, Kurt thought Francis was the most important thing in the world. He was affectionate and loving, unlike his own father. He wrote about his love for her often in his journals: “I will fight to my death to keep the right to provide for my child. I’ll go out of my way to remind her that I love her more than I love myself. Not because it’s a father’s duty, but because I want to out of love.” He said that she might be the reason that he gave up music eventually: “If anything will stop me from pursuing this rock and roll thing, it’s going to be her because I don’t want her to be screwed up because of it.” The couple had regular urine tests and home checks from child services, so it’s believed that the couple was off drugs, at least for a short period of time.

In a documentary, where Frances Bean was one of the executive producers, viewers are given insight into Kurt and Courtney, and their relationship through his journal entries, drawings, pictures, and home videos. Kurt is portrayed as someone goofy with a sense of humor. His love for Courtney and Frances Bean was obvious, and he seemed like an old soul. Courtney definitely seemed to be the more outgoing of the two. She wasn’t afraid to be loud, obnoxious, and naked.

She talks about how she would kick Kurt’s band’s ass at festivals, and that she forfeited playing at Lollapalooza so he could make money playing it. She constantly talked about how she felt that she was the most hated woman in America. Interviewers said that she would often ruin interviews with him, and that Nirvana fans didn’t seem to like her.

Fame Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

While the success of Nirvana and the album was appreciated, it was most certainly unexpected and difficult to process for Kurt. His friend prior to success, Alice Wheeler, said that it almost seemed like he was embarrassed of the fame. She recalled one time that she rode with him in a limousine, and he continued to apologize, saying that they normally rode in a van. She believed it was difficult for him to go from being a kid who was bullied in school, to a celebrity who was being chased for autographs and photos. His life became constant touring and he grew sick of being asked to play “Smells Like Teen Spirit” all of the time. It weighed heavily on him and he didn’t know how to handle it.

From the beginning, Kurt was never comfortable with fame. He loved his fans, and never hesitated to speak with them or sign an autograph, but he grew increasingly uncomfortable with the press and giving interviews. He made it very clear that for him, it wasn’t about making money and having his face on the cover of magazines, it was about making great music.

Eventually the band stopped doing interviews for the most part. Kurt was never a fan of the press, something that he was very vocal about. He wanted the music to speak for itself. At one time, he said that he wanted to be seen as a singer and a songwriter, someone who could sit down on stage with an acoustic guitar, play shows like Johnny Cash, and not be thought of as a joke. He didn’t want to be forever pigeon-holed as a grunge singer. He wanted to grow as an artist. He even went through periods where his friends said that he hated the attention and being a rockstar.

Kurt’s mother felt as though the drug use was getting worse and worse. He had sores on his body and was losing a significant amount of weight. She said that he’d come home often, and that she finally confronted him about the drug use. Kurt cried when his mother brought it up to him and told her how ashamed he was. Those around Kurt and Courtney saw that the two were headed for implosion: In the Vanity Fair interview, a record executive said, “Courtney and Kurt are the nineties, much more talented version of Sid and Nancy. [Courtney’s] going to be famous and [Kurt] already is, but unless something happens, they’re going to self-destruct. I know they’re both going to be big stars. I just don’t want to be a part of it.”

Overdose or Suicide Attempt?

In early 1994, while touring Europe with Nirvana, Kurt came down with a sudden throat ailment, causing him to lose his voice. He had to cancel several shows. Courtney said that her husband called her, crying, saying that he hated everything and everybody. She said he was depressed and asked her to come visit. Courtney said that she was with her band, something she hadn’t spent a significant amount of time doing in a while. She met him in Rome, and said that the two spent the evening in his hotel room eating room service and sharing a bottle of champagne. She also said that she believed that Kurt knew that she considered cheating on him. She said that she never actually did (although there are many reports that it was well known that Courtney was having an affair with Smashing Pumpkin’s Billy Corgan).

Courtney said that when she woke up around 530AM the next morning, she found Kurt on the floor, unresponsive. An ambulance was called, and Kurt was rushed to the hospital, where his stomach was pumped. He regained consciousness a few hours later. It was found that Kurt had overdosed on Rohypnol, commonly known as the “date rape drug.” Courtney said in multiple interviews that Kurt had taken “50 or 60” pills, and that she definitely believed it to be a suicide attempt. The doctor who tended to Kurt however, disagreed. He said that Kurt had ingested much less than Courtney reported, and that it did not appear to be a suicide attempt.

On March 18th, police were called to the Cobain residence because of an escalated domestic dispute. Courtney said that Kurt had locked himself in a room with a gun and threatened to shoot himself. The police confiscated the gun, along with several others. Kurt denied that he was going to attempt suicide, just saying that he wanted to be away from Courtney. One month later, Kurt Cobain was dead.

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